Heartache? Modern Love

Well, I have wasted my best years in staying true and loyal to toxic men. At age 18, I was dating…Sorry strike that. I was involved with a man, who was in it for the sloppy parking lot kisses and the regular dating jazz. At 19, I was in a ‘relationship’ with a boy who every two weeks, thought that ‘he deserved better’. (I went on to date him for 3+ years). At 23, I dated a man who believed in ‘compartmentalizing’ life. To simplify, dating for him, meant going out every night to get blackout drunk. That and…yes, just that! Everything else was pushed into the other compartment of his life that I was not a part of. So when I turned 24, I had reason to believe that I had matured, that all that relevant experience had gotten the better of me and now I was ready to stop scrutinizing every decision I made. It was at that time when I had my ultimate MEET CUTE. I started crushing over this young guy (I refuse to say where from, cause the wounds are still fresh and all that shiz) and I had some reason to believe that similar feelings prevailed on the other side as well. But given my former background in romantic relationships, I chose to wait and be sure before I take a leap. Guess what, I waited a year.

For what, you ask? Just to be sure, I say!

We started slow- romantic gazes from across the room, awkward stares in front of mutual friends, shy giggles and whatnot. Basically, I felt like 15 again, that is exactly when I should have known that it was time to back out. But, you know what, I was confident about the lessons that life had taught me. So what did I do next? I dived right into him. And in the process, I conveniently chose to ignore his romantic history. They say he never dated, just wasn’t the type to. He just…I don’t know…did whatever you do with the person that you are with, but you are not dating, but you are also together. But it’s not a relationship, but they also make you breakfast. But they don’t want to be seen together in public, but they also write you letters. But they don’t want to be emotionally involved, but you also go out for dinners and movies and brunches and night outs…..confusing, right?

I will break that narrative for a little while to give you a slight context about me- I am 26 and my worst fear is never finding love. From the turn of events in the past, I have reason to believe that karma has been a one sided bitch to me, and also what goes around NEVER comes around. That, OR I am only attracted to toxic, emotionally unavailable and complete assholes. Sorry about that language. I am no Robin (from How I met Your Mother), but I would not deny that meeting new people is easy for me. I have had guys approach me in bars and clubs, and likewise I have also walked up to people to strike a conversation. And most of the time, that has gone down well. But I am not a weakly woman. I do not accept what comes easy. I like challenges, mostly the ones which involve chasing men like the ones I just defined. Because, gentlemen who are into me are not as much fun, you know.

Back to where we left… So with a little help from him and a little help from me, I somehow landed myself this boy that I was after (and apparently who was also after me, as I later got to know) and for a little while, just for a teeny tiny microscopic moment in the history of time, I got the fairytale that I wanted. Initially, things irked me a little- the whole keeping the ‘dating deal’ secret cause ‘people ruin good things, baby’. But eventually, I started seeing changes in him. Slow, gradual responses of love like the good-old, ‘I swear you are the best thing that happened to me…’

And was that enough for me? It was more than enough, mind you. I was on Cloud 9!

Then came the tussle of maintaining the relationship. And how do you do that? You grow in love. Or atleast, that is what I thought. Unfortunately, he didn’t believe in that growth. On the contrary, I grew too fast- we really didn’t balance each other on that front, quite honestly. Please do not confuse between love and sex, dhokha being the constant in both. So, I decided I could do one of the two things- either say how I feel and fuck it up or say nothing at all and let it fuck me up instead. So I did exactly what I shouldn’t have done. And I wish whoever said, ‘Listen to your heart’ should burn in hell. Listening to my mind was working well, up until the moment I told him how I feel.

‘But baby, we are already dating no?’

‘No labels, no drama. Right?’

‘Doesn’t it already feel like a relationship?’

How did I not see that coming? Ummm…maybe because we were ‘dating’ for over 9 months. So forgive me for committing the crime of asking for some exclusivity, some recognition and some commitment. You will now think that this would have been a deal breaker for me? NOPE! Because I have a high perseverance quotient and zero self-esteem. So I lived through another 2–3 months of that emotional drama and social distancing, and I gathered up every ounce of courage, patience and energy that was in my power, to stay calm and carry on…before I finally decided to give up, realizing that repressed emotions were getting the better of me.

One of his last few dialogues to me were, “So you only date if it is heading in some direction?” That question would have been okay had I not made myself very clear on Day 1.

And just like that we ended. Abruptly. Weirdly. Bizarrely. Exactly like how we had started. And that brings me to the end of this rant.

Points in mind that I want to make- we talk about love setting us free all the time- then when it eventually comes to us, why do we choose to put it in a box, shut the lid and choke it with a string? What a terrible disappointment it is, to get your heart broken. But do you know what is worse, to defend someone for so long thinking they’re different, and in the end, they turn out just like what everyone had said. Does this mean I’m stupid? Maybe. Maybe I am. But maybe, I’m just hopeful. Some people might even agree that maybe I am courageous to go after what I wanted so bad (even after knowing fully well what I was getting myself into). But some people may pique at me for being an 18th century ‘old-school’ loser to look for love relentlessly.

After yet another failed episode of finding love, will it be safe to say that I have learnt the lesson? But that’s the catch, and again I ask, is there a lesson to be learnt? And if there is one- is it to swear off men? Or is it to stop looking for love and let it find you instead (cause destiny and all that bullshit)? OR, is it to move on and date someone else- someone you think and hope is better than your ex and really wish that your judgement won’t fail you this time.

Another point in question is what is so unacceptable about wanting a ‘forever kind of love’? Have we already constricted ‘true love’ to ballads, poetry and fictional films? Should we box our feelings because our ‘hopeless romanticism’ is quite a handful for the other person, considering the norms and trends of modern love? Having said all this, I won’t even get to how deleterious this could be for your mental health, considering all the unnecessary harrowing introspection and jarring self-criticism-

‘Maybe, I came on too strong?’

‘Maybe I scared him away?’

‘Maybe something about me is unlovable.’

‘Maybe I expected way too much and suffocated him?’

‘What if I was too needy?’

You can finish that list off on your own…Because let’s agree, who’re we kidding, we have all been there (more or less) with a tub of ice-cream, sulking in our PJs.

All I am saying is that I may not know the answer to these questions but what I definitely know is that (and mind you, I speak from experience here) most times, it’s not you, it’s absolutely NOT the math. It’s just HIM!